Introduction to Family Dynamics

My acquaintance, M, has a way of seeing things which I like. When I told him I was getting married and that it was both exciting and scary, he said marriage is a good thing. He then said the only downside is that I'll be losing my privacy. This was profound to hear. I've had siblings and friends as roommates, but I've never cohabited with a romantic partner before. Being with a romantic partner is like I once said, “Relationship is kayaking; two athletes on one boat, synced together in action, determination and goal. Their flow is choreography; when they disagree about where they stand, nothing seems pretty”. This means helping your mate understand your thought processes and actions in a way that keeps them updated on where you are and where you stand. My friend was right. For someone like me who enjoys their solitude and privacy of thoughts, this poses a challenge for me. 

Also, for your mate to understand you, they'll have to discuss you with other people, loved ones, thankfully. When we had a tragedy happened to us, as concerned as we were, my wife was amazed that I was able to sleep at night. She discussed it with my mother and she told her that my dad is like that too. That he tries to find sleep no matter how the day was. My wife then discussed it with her mother and maybe my siblings and her siblings. I don't entirely like the idea of being discussed. Anyway, she came to understand that it's an innately self-preservation thing. Everything I believe suggests self-preservation as paramount. Before you surmount any tragedy or obstacle, your self-preservation has to be paramount. 

“It isn't the mountains ahead to climb that wear you out; it's the pebble in your shoe. — Muhammad Ali. 

“One thing for sure, keep you of all/ Keep a nice crib, fly away,/ keep to the point.” — Raekwon (Gun Will Go || Wu Tang Clan)

Selfless acts also come easy when you're operating on a well preserved healthy mind.

The rewarding thing is that it feels good to have people understand you better. I discussed this issue of privacy with some older men and their answers were reassuring. Firstly, that your mate's understanding of you will later suffice and the relationship will grow to be able to afford you the me-time you crave. Secondly, children will ultimately take a lot of your time and your mate's time. The “Discovery channel” will now focus on them, so to speak, you'll be sidelined. Thirdly as your family and your career grow, you'll be able to afford enough space to carve out your little space of solitude.

It is interesting to find that having a child puts things in a perspective that helps you and your mate understand yourself better. Like having a son who is less than a month old and suddenly I'm more concerned about this country's school system. Like how my father normalized winning to us. He's the kind of person who thanks God for giving him the opportunity and courage to win, then he moves on to the next task without making a big deal out of any win. He doesn't reward good grades as they should be the normal or regular attainment, but he condemns bad grades. He didn't attend Parents/Teachers meetings and the first time he inquired about any teacher was in my Senior Secondary One(SS1.). Sorry, I don't know its equivalent in High School grading. I was failing Maths and Chemistry. And in SS2, I was failing Biology. These were the discussion and the concerns. We never talked about how well I was doing in Further Maths when I picked it in SS2 and how well I was doing in Physics throughout my Senior school.

When I look at my son, I'm concerned about who am I, how much of me is in him, and what I can teach him. He frowns like me, hopefully he'll do that less, and when he begins to smile, I hope he smiles better than me. I pray he doesn't forget to sleep at times of worry. I pray he finds the courage to close his eyes innately knowing that he first must take care of his mind before anything else, like his father, like my father and those resilient minds before us. I also pray he finds the courage to make a big deal out of his wins and that, that motivates him to attain better heights and targets.

Having a family means understanding yourself for their benefit and consequently yours.