Dark Adam, Bright Adam

There's a war going on inside.

I've had my days too. Those days when you're deep in some dark place and helplessness is in the air you breathe. In February 2018, I wrote about living in such a place. After a day or two I can't remember, I was compelled by fear mostly to write a rebuttal to the piece lest I resigned to believing most of our days will be in the deep darkness.

The short pieces are written in form of letters written by a character named Adam to versions of himself in some sort of a personality disorder taking turns at being conscious. It is one of my most unpopular pieces. I only published it then, in 2018, in my series on Channillo.com I recently shared them with a friend who felt more people should read them and he suggested that I share them with you too. I'm not sure about sharing them, but he's a very good friend and I tend to take the advice of my friends when I'm unsure. I find it to be a win-win situation. If it works, we'll feel more invested in our relationship. And if it doesn't, we'll still be more invested in our relationship and they'll be motivated to help me make better decisions next time.

So here are Copies of Adam, I hope you side with the bright copy just as I do.

Copies of Adam 1

I am overwhelmed by darkness. I am gloomy and I’ve settled in it.

I use to be afraid of it, like you, but not anymore. I see why Uncle couldn’t snap out of it now. All the brightness and gleefulness I was afraid of losing are not here anymore. Here, it’s just unbothered-ness and it doesn’t come with a burden. I am free of the burden of hope and ambition; free of fear of inadequacy and loss. It is easier to be cheerless and free than to be constantly chasing happiness that may never be. There is nothing to balance here, there is stability. All that headache from the stress of being “productive” is gone. I’m starting to see the futility in most of the things we do. I’m free of the perennial fluctuations of life. Highs and lows… why bother going up when you must come down?

Happiness makes me sad, all I see is the end of it. I hate the feeling of love; all I think about is the heartbreak after it. I don’t miss laughter and I don’t miss tears. I am free of them. Everything ends, why fight to keep anything?

Dead is a blessing, to the deceased at least. I fantasize about having suicidal tendencies sometimes. Somehow I am resolved to stay alive. I am avoiding pain, I know. Perhaps that’s why I ended here. I cannot inflict any on myself. But that is not it. There are painless ways to go, I know. I seem to be incapable of settling to end it. I don’t get survival instincts. Something is keeping me, wanting me to stick around. Oxygen must be a drug.

There is no humanity in humans. One tyranny is replaced by another; one oppressor with another. There is ugliness in our hearts. In the end, it wins all the time. Humanity cannot be the reason why I am somehow determined to keep going. Afterlife is not appealing. Its uncertainties are too much, but still, it’s not enough reason. Oxygen must be a drug, I’m telling you and I’m high on it.

I want you to know this, Adam. When you wake all gaily and bright, shining like you’re the sun and you can cast away all darkness. Know Adam, there’s darkness inside you. There’s me, the honest version of us, the better. You buried me deep inside, away from the surface. But this is also where the truth resides. All of it.

Visuals are deceiving. we have never been truly happy, no one ever is. It has always been smiley faces with little sad hearts. There’ll be more days like these and I’ll be able to come up to the surface and remind you of this truth. You don’t have to be tormented anymore. If only Uncle was still here, I would’ve told him all about it and he’d understand. I envy him for passing away. His futile Earth days are over.

This is our truth, Adam. Drop the sun charade and be free.

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Copies of Adam 2

In our lowest moments, the deceitful darkness is appealing.

Highs and lows… there are no highs and lows. There is just the surface with potholes, manholes, and pits. The surface is where we belong. We may fall into the deepest pit, but Adam, no pit is bottomless. We can crawl out of it. Look at me, I was lost in the pit of mourning where you flourish. You were in control but you knew this day would come. You knew I, nay We, would climb up to the surface. It took a month but we did it.

To feel is the very essence of humankind. To feel is to be free. We are only human through what we feel. To hurt when we lose is to appreciate when we gain. To miss what we had is to cherish what we have. We sacrifice some feelings just to gain some. Without hurt pleasure won’t be tangible. We are a sack of feelings. Empty us of it and we are nothing. Emptiness is not freedom. It is slavery to nothingness. It is starvation.

Oxygen is not a drug. You can’t resolve to end it because deep inside the darkness there is me, the better, the shining version of us. The one looking up to the future with hope. The one who sees the bright side of things. I am not ready to go yet. Life excites. There are a lot of things I haven’t done. There is no stability in the dark. It is an illusion to keep quenching out the light inside you. Yes, there is light even in the darkest hearts. We only have to strive to listen to its whisper within us and follow it.

When you sit in the dark long enough you’ll dissipate in it. Where is the freedom if we cannot be? If we cannot smile today and frown tomorrow? If we cannot laugh till our ribs crack and cry till our eyes hurt? Passion, Adam. To be passionate is to be alive.

So what if happiness ends, and our heart breaks for love? In our melancholy is a joy that it happened. In it is a thirst to feel all that thrill of emotions again, an ambition. Then we find passion again. There is no true regret in our melancholy, except for the feelings not expressed and for the trust we betrayed. In it, is a need to be better, an aspiration.

Time heals. Passion finds us over and over again. I am, nay we are, at the surface again and I am bright and gaily. I know I will fall into another pit again someday, but know Adam, the surface is where we belong. It is where we’re supposed to see not just the ugliness of things but also their beauty. In its subtle way, beauty wins more than the ostentatious ugliness that might unsettle us.

Look past the smokescreen of ugliness, Adam. There is beauty inside.